falling into grace

Sometimes I wish that I could be one of those people who do whatever they want, whenever they wanted. People who have wild dreams and crazy expectations and aren't afraid to put their hearts out there.

Instead for all my bravado I'm always the one who does what everyone expects me to. I wish I had the guts to have not chosen the more famous school; I wish I had the guts to take what I want and give my heart away.

But all I have is pride: pride that people will be impressed by me and my bright future; pride that I will be loved and desired and chased after, not loving or desiring or chasing.

And when I think of everything I want in the future, I wonder if they will come true. Or if I will be too afraid to leave when my bond is up, too afraid to dodge bombs and bullets, and too afraid to love because I will not be loved in return.

But mostly I'm afraid because I know that I can do these things, they're mine for the taking. One wrong turn or one wrong decision could erase the possibilities in my future....so while it seems that the safety net of destiny and of providence used to be enough, now it just seems that I am needlessly anxious for what the future holds.

Posted by chang! at 1:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

You know the thing about having a blog you take pride in is really there are only 2 priorities: not cluttering it up with bullshit posts, and upkeep. The problem is, when you're 19 you sometimes just really wanna fill it with bullshit posts. And the other problem is, while you might be able to stop yourself from posting bullshit sometimes, the alternative is not to think of something good and witty to write about, but instead just to let the blog rot.

Then you wanna write something to prove you're still alive and well to the 3 readers out there, but as time trickles by, and all you can think of are bullshit posts, the pressure starts building.

You can't just write any random old post after such a long time - you need something stunning, something funny, something that screams "I'm baaack!" (to the 3 people who care).

Then each time you have an idea - like a post about the night you spent laughing with your two oldest friends in the world (too sappy!), or a post about the government/sph (too angry! too sueable!), or a post about how much you miss the people and the newsroom-you-used-to-hate (too overdone!) - they just don't seem good enough.

And you know, you're not sarongpartygirl - and since you're not having sex, you can't do the "as long as I mention the fact that I am having intercourse it will be so! shocking! (no matter how mundane or random the actual post)" thing.

And then you realise: you're not sarongpartygirl. Hell, you don't have 8000 hits a day, you have 3 (approximately; I can't figure out how to find out exactly how many). So who really cares what you're writing? The only person that a good post on this blog matters to, is yourself.

Unfortunately I have the highest standards of anyone I know.

Posted by chang! at 4:55 PM | Permalink | Comments