falling into grace

for those who want to know (this is where i pretend more people read my blog than i know of. when in truth, i can count on one hand the people who do haha!)

flight is on 28th sept, wednesday. 1120pm. i'll probably be there by 9pm. if you're not sure if you want to go, choose the easy way out and don't. it'll be a zoo as it is.

oh no i sound like such a callous bitch. but the truth is, i'll see everyone i want to see before the airport liao. and if i haven't seen you..then... probably not much point in coming to the airport la. but if you're coming for one of the other million people on my flight, i'll be more than happy to dispense a farewell hug. just don't linger.

haha! just kidding, really. i'll be happy to see everyone.

i'm sorry to do this, but if you're thinking of getting a farewell gift, i really need an ipod mini leather case (gorgeous white one at south asia at funan! which is 39 bucks and beyond my means), and a keyboard cover for my 12 inch ibook. (challenger at funan has them at 25 bucks, which i am honestly too broke and cheap to shell out for).

oh no i feel so shameless and bitchy. aiyah, nevermind la. only 5 people read this blog anyhow, and they should all love me enough to forgive me.

Posted by chang! at 5:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Today I cleaned out my "memories" drawer, which is basically the drawer I dump all the things - cards, grad nite programme booklet, old diaries - I don't want to throw away into. I was going to put its entire contents neatly into a suitcase, not to bring over to oxford, but to store away.

Of course being the Great Procrastinator I am, I managed to re-read every note, christmas card, birthday card etc etc I've ever received, and it was, I must say, both shocking and fun.

There was that huge "Yay! You're ONE!" card that my class gave me for my J2 (18th) birthday, which everyone had signed. And I remember that day I was too busy pining and analysing one note that I forgot the rest of the gems my classmates left me - including "happy birthday, b*tch!" with a brackets indicating the * to be a (u) from amogh (how he thought i would appreciate butch more than bitch is beyond me), and "you should stay hip cool and funky like ME" from john, which are both hilarious in hindsight.

there was also the first birthday card amogh ever gave me in J1, which begins "shit! so much space how to fill!" and ends "you should bathe now and then". fast forward to the card he gave in J2. which ironically goes something like this "this card shall be heartfelt and honest..it's amazing when I think that slightly more than a year ago I didn't know who you were. * ok, this is where I fell asleep writing last night.". ah, good times.

then there's the first and only birthday card tzing ever gave me, which honestly made me laugh and feel so sad at the same time, because why did I throw away that friendship for 2 years? It also contains the sentence "I just don't want you to read this 10 years from now and go who? cheech who?" HAHA! (and the number of people I can already think of who will read this post and understand that reference and snigger to themselves and judge me for my youthful folly just reminds me that I NEED NEW FRIENDS)

there was also the stack of postcards with bible verses on them that my sister left for me - one everyday while I was doing my O levels; a card dated 20th december 1998 from aimee which says "maybe we can meet up next year if you're free in RGS!"; a poem from renji that rhymes, among other strokes of genius, "animals" and "RJgirls", and "take a break" with "oxbow lake"; a sec 3 card from yaxin with a giant picture of a bird with a POP-UP beak inside (this was a handmade card, people); and so many other notes that just made me feel like maybe I have had a good run these 19 years. that there have been good times and fun times, and people I will never forget or regret.

And those memories -those cards and notes and mementos - made me forget, just for a minute, that these 19 years had pain and tears and awful things too, and they make me hopeful - just so happy - because I feel for a moment that the years ahead can only contain more of such memories just waiting to be made. And that in another 20 years I will have another box to go through, and I just can't wait.

And for that half an hour this afternoon the anxiety of leaving - the anticipation of tears and more packing and having no friends and the winter cold and everything else - faded away, and I felt like it's been a great ride, and that it can only get better. That right now, at the end of an era and on the cusp of another, I am right where I'm meant to be.

And that was enough to keep me going.

Posted by chang! at 9:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

"that's so soon! are you unbelievably excited?!" asks salman, in one of his typical salman-esque smses.
oddly enough, that sms was the first time it occurred to me that I SHOULD be unbelievably excited.

"do you miss aimee?", asked yaxin today, in her typical yaxin-esque offhand pretend-not-to-care-but-actually-she-misses-aimee-like-hell manner. It wasn't the first time it occurred to me that I should be missing Aimee, but it was the first time I realised how odd it seems to other people.

I guess I got over the whole missing people thing long ago. The last time I can think of that I really felt that within stomach wrench pining thing was during J1 promos, when my head was filled with equations and fantasies of requited love.

it's really not that i'm emotionless or anything, it's just that I don't think abt loss that often - almost like I don't care enough to say goodbye. I feel like I have the same conversations with almost everyone - the one exception was today with yingling and sara, getting steadily drunk and more honest - but otherwise it's the usual: my rote answer to whether i'm looking forward to it ("afraid i made the wrong choice, don't want to hang out only with singaporeans but scared i will be social pariah"), (and you know i'm not really afraid, don't really care, but you know: rote. give the other person something to chew on i guess, considerate conversationalist I am). The usual how's life questions...it's the same stories over and over. I think i must have discussed the whole "NUS mugger culture" thing or the "singaporeans only hang out with each other overseas" thing at least 5 times with different people.

it's like one of those CDs where every song pretty much sounds the same, so that if you listen to it without paying attention, it sort of blurs into one long 45 minute song. that's pretty much my life now anyhow. i'm bored as hell, and i'm sure it shows.

More than once I find myself distracted by something over a friend's shoulder - not even anything, just a spot to stare at. And then I longingly wish that I could stare at that spot the whole day, alone. But instead I need to wrench my eyes away just because it's really abit weird, that.

when was the last conversation I had that someone else was making me laugh, or even said something that interested me at all? I feel like I work so hard at these interactions - it's tiring as hell and not really all that fun. even talking to people like salman - so tiring to keep up. (if you read this hon, i love you and your ways! but the "heehee" sms that other day can be explained by this mood)

ok! enough angsting. also, rereading this post has made me realise that I am feeling indifferent at 19, and how arrogant that is. it's the divine apatheia - I feel above it all like the greek gods. maybe I need to turn into a bull and mount a mortal.

Posted by chang! at 1:22 AM | Permalink | Comments