falling into grace

am currently on break in a 4 hour long IT class - dear god, help - for the politic data analysis project that everyone has to do. Only saving grace is that sheryl is here too: to converse in thick singlish with; to point out hot asian guys in the next row to me etc

i hate IT rooms/compute rooms in general. they always have the same whitewashed. zen decor, with the rows of identical terminals and rows of identical chairs set off (so depressingly) by the fluorescent tubes. so lifeless and characterless. which is why i love oxford - you hardly find places like this. in the olden days they used to put effort into architecture and decor - all the carvings and whatnot. now it's like a factory assembly line of glass/metal/concrete. and flurorescent is such unflattering lighting as well.

today's chu er! there was an OUMSSA cny reunion dinner on saturday night, which was fun because of the food (despite the endless waiting and the disgusting gooed together wantons), and the company. then we all trooped (or, coerced by me) over to the teddy hall bop. by the time i got in there everyone was completely off their faces and everywhere i went there were these drunk people tottering around going 'RACHEL!!!' followed by excessive-kiss-and-hug and a slurred 'do you like my costume?! [insert name] pulled [insert name(s)], can you believe it!!'. it was hilarious though. never really saw drunken teenagers so clearly from this side of sobriety before.

then there was the post-bop fall-out, which consisted of one dush in my bed because some girl he brought back vomitted in his (hah! the perils of being a sexual predator), rachel harris and vicki filling me in on all the goss until 4am, and rosy talking at me in a freak-out at 6 in the morning, while i mumbled assurances and dush growled at the disturbance. ahh, good times.

I can't decide if life is too boring or too exciting. there's so much drama, but it's never the drama I want, it's always painful shitty drama that makes you want to disappear. and last night we were sitting around talking about how we're gonna waste our uni lives sitting around talking, instead of doing exciting amazing oxford things like save lives or build houses for the poor, or just be one of those slutty girls who do one night stands.

but there's no time or resolve for the former, and too much self-respect for the latter. so we just sit around talking about sitting around talking... then vicki brings up the fact that we are so blessed, and for a while we are quiet. Then someone else reminds us that the college is indulging in some stupid anonymous roses in the pidgeonhole fun on valentine's day, and the thought of getting no roses horrifies all of us at the same time, aaaand we're back to wallowing in self-pity.

Posted by chang! at 2:18 AM | Permalink | Comments

Off someone's blog, just because it seems like a fun exercise and i'm bored waiting for rugby training. so the idea is to just filll up a list of random names as they come to you:

1) aimee
2) rosy
3) timmy
4) aimei
5) vicki
6) american vicky
7) karl
8) rachel harris
9) dush
10) yaxin
11) seng teck
12) salman
13) my sister
14) amogh
15) mike
16) phoebe
17) zhuang
18) paisley
19) paul
20) karen


How did you first meet 13?
the moment i emerged from the birth canal.


What would you do if you had never met 5?
been alot less happy. would have no brand of loopy positive rationalism to hold on to in the darkest nights. and also, would have suffered thru rowing alone; would have no one to tell me i'm crazy and overanalytical; would never have heard the fire-drill-in-the-middle story, which always cracks me up


What do you honestly think of 10?
aw, yax is crazy and stupid but kind and sweet. for all the nonsensical non-sequiturs she makes, and her crazy obsessions and her bad spelling -everything is rolled up in a ball of yaxin-flavoured goo that i miss very much


Would 19 and 20 go out?
they don't know each other. i would say no though: firsly, because he's a horny loud british bloke, and secondly because she has raiiiihaaaaaaan.


Have you ever liked 9?
hah! maybe sometimes when he's never-ruffled feathers are a nice big rock to hold on to. but never as more than that crazy big brother who swears alot and gives the wierdest, but best, advice


If number 1 dies tomorrow, what is the one thing u need the person to know?
i would kill myself too if i could bear the pain. haha. no..mostly that life would not have been the same without her: from the pri3/4 ditchings (i will NEVER forget that), to painful separation in JC, and now even more painful separation across the atlantic. i would never have seen the inside of that packed to the brim house, or had all those mangoes, or got to know her succession of dogs. or even just watching popular late into the nights, or cracking up at the friends outtakes. ahhhh, memories.


Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?
well, no. two reasons: 1) brit 2) female


Who is 16 going out with?
hah! probably mysterious malaysian millionaire's son. but she says they're just friends, despite the late night expensive-present surprises, and the fact that we never see her anymore because she's always WITH HIM!!


Describe 7 in 3 words:
1) kind; 2) goofy 3) sexy. (hah!)


Do you think 2 is hot?
completely. in her doe-eyed, small little sexy girl way.


Would 1 and 17 make a good couple?
NOOO! haha.


What do you think of when you see 8?
so pretty and so smart.


What's 20's fave colour?
chocolate brown. haha!


On a scale of 1-10, how cute is 15?
SO cute. first teams for both football and basketball, 596/600 for English A levels; so gentlemanly and not a jock at all. such a stud.



What would you do if 4 confessed his/her undying love for you?
well, i already know about it..right auntie? :)


What language does 19 speak?
English; French; Russian.


Who is 14 going out with?
hah! to be honest, i wouldn't know. hopefully someone i would approve of.


Is 19 a boy or girl?
boy! but i'm not so sure sometimes.


Would 18 and 4 make a good couple?
girl-on-girl? don't think aimei would go for that. paisley might though! haha


What year is 17 in?
first year oxford law. translation: too busy to breathe.


When was the last time u talked to 12?
just a couple of hours ago actually! i'm so pleased you called hun! "i..am..sodomising...you...." hahahah!


What is 6's fave band?
hmm. i think she likes hip-hop and r and b stuff more than alternative band rock stuff


Does 14 have any siblings?
yup. one brother who's into hentai apparently.


Would you ever date 3?
oh tim is such the perfect catch. sweet and gorgeous. but he's like a brother..how weird would that be


Is 15 single?
yup. althought maybe not for long, if georgie has her way.


Have you ever taken advantage of 11 while he or she had passed out?
haha! never. but he has walked in on me changing. hahahaha.


If 13 and 6 were forced to fight to the death, who would you put your money on?
uhm. my sister. just because vicky's too laid back and californian to do the catfight thing. and my sister SO would kick her ass. haha

Who will age better: 2 or 5?
i'm gonna say vicki, just because she has more of a womanly look. but they're both gorgeous.


If you had to kill one person on your list, for the good of mankind, who would you kill?
paul. for the good of the floor. haha just kidding! i love them all, or else why would i be thinking of them?

anyhoo, gotta run for rugby. hope everyone's well and good. and email me!

Posted by chang! at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Before I even start this post, I know almost everyone who reads it will be incredibly freaked out and concerned. I almost didn't want to write about it because I knew that would happen - but then again, I really don't have anything to hide, and it's quite a good story, to be honest. But anyone who has anything to say, feel free to email me...I'd rather my comments box or my tagboard not be clogged up with naggy stuff.

So on friday we were at filth (a club)....collections (our welcome-back-to-school! exams) were finally over, and it was lovely to see everyone again. So we're all there having fun, and this random asian guy starts talking to me..and we're just chatting about normal stuff, and he offers to buy me a drink right. So I accept. which perhaps isn't the wisest thing to have done, but i've accepted drinks from strangers before, and to be honest i quite like free drinks. (he bought me quite an expensive one as well haha). not many girls would reject free drinks really...if i paid for all my drinks last term, i would be considerably broker at the moment.

anyhoo, enough justification. so he comes back with the drink, and I drink it. And then all I remember personally from the rest of the night is just vague flashes: he grabs me; karl grabs me back; karl shouting at him; walking home with karl. that's honestly all I can remember.

so the next morning, after a night of diarrhea (urgh), i hear what happened from everyone:

apparently karl overheard this guy at the bar saying that he had spiked "her" drink, not knowing that i was the "her" he was talking about. So when he saw me drinking it, he was quite freaked out. After drinking it I was apparently quite gone, and the guy tried to grab me...and karl grabbed me and confronted him abt the whole drink-spiking thing....then he basically took care of me the whole night and took me home.

I honestly wasn't that freaked out when I heard...everyone else was quite horrified though. Most reactions ranged from the paranoid (zhuang: he could have made off with you, and we wouldn't have been able to find you, and then we would have to call the police...!), to the violent but nicely-protective (paul: why didn't karl tell us last night? we would have killed that guy).

The weirdest thing is that I don't really feel like it happened to me, just because I don't remember a thing. Hearing it told to me - it seems like just some funny story that happened to someone else.

I wouldn't have gone off with that guy alone anyhow..even if karl hadn't overheard him, my friends wouldn't have let me go off with a random..even when I was just talking to him, before the drink bit, people kept on like coming near and asking if i needed to be rescued..the way I would have with any one of my friends. Maybe I should be worried about how it was a close shave or something..but I don't know, it just doesn't seem like it happened to me.

oh well. it was an eventful start to the term anyhow. haha. seriously thoug, with that precedent, it's going to be a mad term.

********

tzing posted these lyrics on her blog. and well, they were what i needed to see at the time, so i'm just going to repost here, in hope that people who need to hear something like this, might just stumble over this, and feel - if only for a moment - a little stronger.


Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realise...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realise
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realise...
Vienna waits for you.

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
Why don't you realise...Vienna waits for you
When will you realise...Vienna waits for you

Vienna
Billy Joel

go download the song, it's brilliant.

Posted by chang! at 11:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

I realise that it's already well into the new year, but somehow in the bustle/post-holiday depression/pre-school excitement of the last two weeks, i've forgotten to think about my year past...and sitting here now in my room again (home sweet home!), and reading blogs full of new year posts with those corny "my year was full of laughter and tears, love and loss blah blah blah" shite, and having written the date ending with 2006 for the first time, it suddenly occurred to me that I have so much to say about last year, and where else to say it?

this blog isn't even a year old (I remember exactly its genesis clearly in my mind: it was in the early days of my internship, and i was bored out of my mind, and decided to just set it up so I would have something to do for the rest of the day. (haha, ignatius don't need to feel bad! (although i know you don't :/) and from there it kindof hobbled on and found a life of its own, and an actual readership (what is it now? 10 people? heh. hollaback y'all!) (ok i'm sorry abt that last bit), and it's become almost precious to me. i love blogging, but only when i know i'll be proud of the post...and re-reading my archives (yes, i do that.) makes me laugh and smile and feel twangs (renji's brilliant word) of nostalgia and sorrow, (oh god, i'm doing the corny post thing), and of course - cringe, at the horrible writing, at the angst-filled tween posts, at the missteps i wish never happened, but i know needed to. then there are also the posts at which i giggle out loud, or think "that was good stuff!" with a healthy dose of shamelessness (but people, would i really be the same person with shame?). i only wish that this blog can hobble on to the day that i can make that sidebar that tequilamockingbird has "the ones people talk about", with links to all her best posts.

i think i've lost sight of the goal of this post. yes, the year!

it started inauspiciously enough - my parents and sister will remember me whining endlessly about how shitty SPH was, and how i wanted to quit (after about two weeks etc etc). back then the collective wisdom was "all jobs start out shitty..don't be so impatient, give it a chance etc etc". and well, i never really thought about how that came true for me until the time when lynn khan emailed me about the sph internship (she was starting hers, and she had a couple of questions). and i was planning to just write short answers or whatever, but in the end ended up sitting there for 30 minutes writing a veritable essay. i had so much to say about the whole experience - because it was a huge part of my year (until july, people!), and also because it was such an experience. from flipping through vanity fair, bored out of my mind, to rushing around, staying in the newsroom until 11pm....from filler stories to exciting ones..and from being terrified of everyone and intensely uncomfortable, to being so sad to leave.

and for all its faults the newsroom was where i'd rather be, if i had to be anywhere for 6 years at all...in the end, the choice was too easy.

and then there was the endless dilemma-ing about universities, where i would be happier etc etc (pls refer to the post "poor finisher" - april 2005), and then there was the crazy head rush of the first term here, then the even crazier holidays.

and that i've come through in one piece - for all the highs and lows of the first term, and the london survival course that was the holidays, and more importantly, that looking back i can only remember the good stuff: like the first time i realised i was comfortable here; or the fact that it was that my parents even had a proper holiday this time, instead of the stressed-filled trips that we used to take, that we could take care of them, and even that they treated each other so well all throughout. and the fact that although i moved to at least 5 different places in london, and lived out of a suitcase for 6 weeks, i was never in want of a place to stay - whether giving up his bed, or letting me have her entire room for a week, or just an unhesitant open offer. and while i may be completely over-perceptive, and analyse everything to death sometimes, when i look back it's as if i have blinkers on, i can only see the good bits, and feel like yup, that happened the way it should have.

so the year was insane. i can't believe that so many things and so many experiences have happened in this record time. i can't even believe that the same person trekking around london, was the same one in tears from the anxiety of waiting for A level results.

and for all the talk about turning 20, and how hideously old that sounds, there are so many years to go..and the way things are happening, there's hardly going to be any time for me to catch my breath. but those are alway the best kinds of adventures huh?

well, this has turned into one of those corny new year posts after all. oh well..i guess that the new year always makes people try to sum up the year past in just a few words (or in my case, a few thousand words), and the words we come up with are always, always inadequate. and maybe that's just the plan - to fully feel tiny in the grand scheme of things, and to feel amazed at everything that can happen, and does. and then to feel thankful - to whoever or whatever you believe in - because take a deep breath...and feel how amazing it is to be alive.

Posted by chang! at 2:17 AM | Permalink | Comments

well, since my sister and father have been making so much noise: here it is, updates from the holiday!

us in the snow with our van. yes, our VAN (long story, stay tuned!). it was snowing in oxford, and we had just finished a wonderful thai meal at oxford thai (my sister: the colon is before "to". make the cheque out to "to oxford thai!"), we were all very excited abt the snow, as you can tell from the glee.

my sister and I at southend, nick's aunt's house where we spent christmas. it was lovely there on christmas day - just an endless stretch of sky over this dried up sea with boats perched on the stonebed like some kind of modern art exhibit. the tide was so low that day. such a lovely place: new resolution: to buy parents retirement home there! (since they were hinting so heavily, (although hint is an understatement (dad: rachel, why don't you buy a retirement home here for us!)) i suppose this comes as no surprise to anyone. haha)

more snow in oxford!

this pic is only posted because when i was looking at it on nick's comp with my sister, i asked "why is my face like that!", and he said "that was the 'my hand very pain! very cold very pain!' moment". hee. it was when we were throwing snowballs at each other, and i took off my gloves to make snowballs right, and then they just hurt sooo much from the cold. seriously people, they were numb for the rest of the day.

Paris!
my mother in a very artistic shot of the louvre. see the reflection in the water! (ok i know, it spoils it to point it out. but then no one will notice like the stonehenge pic ok! so i have to)

us at the arc de triomphe. we were almost scammed by some mainland counterfeit syndicate that night! stay tuned for that story as well. haha! (although my sister is right, these stories are probably never going to come. they might, though. or will they?)

family picture in front of the notre dame. we have a family picture like this in front of every famous monument. it's like we did one of those lame superimposed things. that would probably have cost us much less, come to think of it.

all five of us by the seine. as you can tell, my father is freezing.

nice misty eiffel tower. this is like one of those corny honeymoon shots right. but quite cute la.

us on the eiffel tower. my mum, me and my dad are the french colours!! my sister had to spoil it, pah. haha

ice-skating on the eiffel tower! SO much fun.

more ice-skating fun

frolicking in the jardin des tuileries

mum in hyde park on their first day there. we walked through hyde park, past buckingham palace and all the way to leicester square that day. it was the first day of the holiday though, so everyone was buoyant and energetic still.

in the london eye capsule! i now am the proud owner of a picture keychain, of us in the london eye capsule that they take from outside the capsule. you know those they take for every capsule, and you can order it if you want? well, we were super enthu for our picture, and everyone else standing around us were like, whatev. haha.
there was quite a crowd at the london eye the day we went also, and when they ushered people into each capsule, they only had like, 12 people in ours, lots of space for everyone to have window space to themselves. and the thing was, we were all so shocked cos we had all assumed that they would be herding and packing us in like cattle. sis: "well, that's what they would have done in shanghai!"

in front of some building in parliament square. should be the house of lords? aiyah, who really cares right. haha

Posted by chang! at 4:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

so i've been wanting to blog for a few days now. I do have loads of stories to tell from the holiday (as everyone can see from my dad's comment, it was quite the mad experience), and since my parents and shafa left, loads of studying (read: free) time.

But instead I watch episodes of scrubs (which i've all seen before), and DVDs of movies (which i've all seen before) and eat all of shafa's chocolate minibites (I'm sorry! i'll buy you a new box before you get back, I promise), and feel sorry for myself. It's weird: this thing called loneliness...I suppose it comes into stark relief only when you lose something - like how you can see the stars only when the sunlight fades, but they were there all along (although loneliness is a lot more bleak and alot less hopeful, although i guess the same amount of romanticised, as stars).

I never thought I missed home much until my sister and parents arrived, and we embarked on our mad dash around Europe (and by europe I mean the English Channel). But they came, and they were just the same, from the neuroses to the nagging - and when my mother fussed over me like she used to, and a reflex wave of scorn at her motherliness came in spite of myself, a defiant lift of the chin: "i'm not a child!"... and then I see: I always thought I was independent, and I never could wait to grow up. But now that I really am and now that I had to, now that I provide for myself everything I used to count on her to provide, I just somehow wish that I could be a child again.

And everything else that I had in the last two weeks: the exasperation, the laughs, the security and even the understanding that we all shared: that despite the notre dames and the london eyes and the louvres and everything else, my parents would still be happiest with my mum shopping while my dad waited in a starbucks with his coffee and his book. It was nice and bustly and busy, but I had to say bye again, and become an adult again, with the stiff upper-lip and the "i can take care of myself" bravado. When actually sometimes I feel so lonely I could die.

And it doesn't seem fair does it, that I can't have my family here, and I can't have my oldest friends around me, and I don't even have the transforming love or whatever. Then I remind myself that I chose this, and that I am blessed and lucky, and that anyone would wish to be in my place...and I know I'll start feeling that way again soon, but for now I just need to feel a little sorry for myself.

But you know in one of my moments of clarity I can sort of see how this all, is kind of like our roadtrip to stonehenge:

You start off excited and a little anxious - "we have two hours to get there before it closes!" dad declares - and nervous, because nick's not coming and suddenly YOU'RE the navigator. and you can't read a map to save your life. But the sun is shining and you're full of youthful confidence, and you look at the maze of lines, and you think: how hard can it be?

and the first bit of the drive is great: the radio's playing great songs, your mum's peeling oranges and everyone's buoyant. Then we make the first wrong turn, and the second, and the maps start looking alot more complicated, and you just don't know which bloody line we're on. And the sun sets a little too quickly, and before you know it: it's pitch dark outside and your dad's attempting to reverse delicately on a very busy highway, to make that turn I forgot to tell him we were supposed to make.
And then the roadtrip doesn't seem like a good idea anymore, everyone's kind of tired and angry, and people keep on reminding each other that it'll be too dark to see anything anymore! and someone keeps asking "why so long? I thought we would have reached by now"....and the unspoken consensus that hangs in the air is very much that stones are definitely so not worth this.

And then suddenly in the distance you see it: the mist kind of curling around the tips, and it's spooky as hell. And a shiver runs through the van: the stones look just scary and majestic enough from the distance to maybe just make this a great trip. Then you get out of the car, and there's this giant wire fence keeping us a 100 metres away from the stones, and mum rolls her eyes at the sheer bathos of it.

But as you and dad stroll the perimeter of the enclosure, suddenly you look up: and the last rays of sunlight and the wisps of cloud conspire and you see this:



and it might just have been for a split-second, and the wire fence might still be in your way. but you hear dad's whistle of appreciation echo the awe in your heart, and there is no doubt in your mind: it was worth it.

Posted by chang! at 5:51 PM | Permalink | Comments