falling into grace

with the singaporeans at the quod for cream tea. the menu said "fresh scones with jam, clotted cream, and butter". in true singaporean fashion, we asked "the scones - freeflow not?". (answer: no.)

jerald and karen. "stop fingering my cream!" heehee so cute.

at nite en route to prezzo. me and the boy-boys.

mike, phoebe and vicki

rohan and hann looking very pretty

one side of the table

me holding up paisley's very pretty card

timmy and I laughing about ricky gervais. "lezhogs!"

zhuang and I. I was like "take picture! no one in singapore will believe we're friends!" haha.

rosy and dush

rachel sandwich with tim in the middle

everyone.

the day was pretty good overall, got lovely presents (including some stuff i would never get in singapore. haha), and it was especially nice to feel special. the calls and emails was nice too - it was weird having my first birthday not-at-home, and to know that people far far away were thinking of me, made me feel a lot better.

the thing with birthdays is that the expectations built up about the day are never fulfillable. you just kind of hope to be able to sustain a tranquil happiness through the day - working hard not feel sorry for yourself, or to think about how the day could be so much better. and kind of be thankful that there are people who try to make the day as special as possible.


and when it comes time to cut the cake, your mind is suddenly filled with images of birthdays past, and how jarring it is that not one of the faces smiling at you are the ones you've gotten used to seeing year after year. but then you close your eyes hard, and it occurs: the only thing that could make turning older wonderful year after year is that when it's time to make that birthday wish - for all the regrets behind you and all the hopes in front - you feel in an instant that there's nothing else you need.

Posted by chang! at 3:53 AM | Permalink | Comments

with my birthday around the corner (yes people! i expect emails at least! heh), for some reason I keep getting flashbacks from birthdays past:

17th: just started J1 - had lots of new friends who loved me alot (this was before we got to know each other properly you see), and had a nice present-filled day at school. can't remember most of it, but i remember that it was brilliant. and that birthday yielded easily the best presents - (isn't it very me to remember the presents and nothing else)

18th: in the throes of heartbreak, feeling shitty and lonely - hoping for some kind of signal, but of course met with apathy - which characterises that whole period really. I only remember feeling so tired. Lunch with the girls, tea with ex-classmates, dinner with family - All the while kind of wishing I was far far away. I remember trying to talk about this with vania on a bus - I even remember the seats we were sitting in - and trying to explain why the feck I just felt such intense unhappiness, and why I felt so randomly dissatisfied. The one thing that saved the day - amogh's burnt CD, which miraculously had all the songs that meant something to us: songs we both loved, songs we had talked about and made fun of, songs that he knew I loved, songs that reminded us of the things we had gone through together. Thinking about it now I just can't believe he remembered every one of them. I couldn't even remember most of them: but with the opening strains of each track, memories flooded back, and made me cry. and then once i started i couldn't stop, because i was miserable - god that day was shit.

19th: brilliant birthday weekend extravaganza, with the wonderful surprise party. I can safely say that I didn't see it coming at all - despite aimee's and yaxin's ridiculous-in-hindsight "let's go to yaxin's house and stop over at aimee's church friend's house which we must go up to because she needs to teach aimee how to do the account for church tomorrow!" cover story. I really had no idea, and the whole time, I was just a little anxious because azi wasn't ringing me, and I, for some reason, though maybe that dinner was cancelled. but instead it was like 20 of my nearest and dearest, complete with vegetarian food and tiramisu cake. And to think that that entire week I was being so petty and shitty with amogh, and he was planning all that for me - it makes me sad that when he was around I took him so for granted, and now that he's not, I just wish I could tell him how much I love him. But we don't say such things anyway, and he never responds well to my periodic sappiness (he's no zhuang hah!), so I can only hope he knows how weird it is to not have him around - that after so long, I'm still not used to it, and I doubt I'll ever be

I keep thinking about last year's birthday - from "it's....a pogo stick!" to my doraemon cake (my mother never bought me doraemon cakes when i was at the age to appreciate it. but once I hit maturity: bam! doraemon cakes left and right) -I was so happy and contented. Sometimes I forget that I was happy in singapore too - I keep on thinking about the last few months when I was just bored out of my mind and waiting to leave, and the way I'm going to have to go back to serve my bond etc etc - I forget that only 5 months ago my life was there, and it was effortlessly wonderful.

20th: well, we're all going out for dinner, but I know it'll be weird, my first birthday away from home, despite eveyrone's assurances that they'll make it better - from tim's random (and entirely spurious) claim to have "planned so many things for monday!", to phoebe's multiple (!) "OH we can get [insert name] to chip in too!" while everyone else gives her death glares, because I am just there. Still - it'll be hard.

In the spirit of this whole nostalgia thing I'm doing: some old pictures. (although to be honest, while looking through them my thoughts went from "ohh i miss everyone!' to "oh, i used to be so much less fat!!" quite speedily.) still:

people I miss very much:

Posted by chang! at 3:24 AM | Permalink | Comments

So I was in the library reading about personal identity and what not, half-thinking about the talk john and I had yesterday about how we're all still looking for ourselves, however cliched it sounds. then qi li xiang comes is shuffled on on my ipod, and suddenly my head is filled with images of the RJ canteen on one of those pre-A-level days, the wind whistling through those cream-and-green fixtures, mixing with the yells from the handball court as people relieved their studying stress, or in amogh's case, avoiding the actual studying.

it's weird how incredibly fresh these memories are - this song comes on and suddenly it's like i'm right back there in that canteen, with chiara listening to the new jay chou cd on my discman, and azi getting her arse kicked on the courts, and random people - renji, amogh, qiantai, the usual - around, and I feel almost like i'm sitting on those benches again, feeling the same mix of intense yearning - for exams to be over, for life to move forward - and easy contentment. i think about my life now, and it's shocking how much things have changed...not just my surroundings, but myself:i don't speak the same, i doubt i even think the same. i am happy now - incredibly so - but sometimes i am filled with this sudden intense longing for the past. then there were so many unanswered questions and so many uncertainties. now that i know how everything turned out i almost wish i was back there filled with anxiety and hope.

gah, if this is turning 20, can you imagine turning 30? or 50?! i don't want to grow old.

Posted by chang! at 2:39 PM | Permalink | Comments

things have been hectic the past week or so - a killer work-week with an two essays due in on consecutive days, followed by nick's visit, which was slightly dampened by me feeling the onset of a cold -which erupted into a proper shitty illness the day he left, and was followed by about 36 solid hours in bed with a couple of breaks in between. it's a good thing that the cold came when it did, just at the tailend of my two weeks of insane work, and at the beginning of my week of relative rest, which gave me the leeway to do the not-getting-out-of-bed thing which I think helped it go away alot quicker.

then before I knew it we're well into 5th week, which so far has seen way too much drama. first there was the rugby game against merton which was quite amazing! for me - rugby-wise. I just really got in there, which surprised even me really (despite all my rugby epiphany whinging). I guess it's not really that hard to play once you start - once you take the first tackle, or make your first. then it's just crazy mud-soaked, grunting, pile-up fun.

About 8 minutes to go though, Catherine took a really bad fall - i think she was at the bottom of a pile with her back in a weird position. And when everyone backed away, she was just screaming and yelling and it was fucking scary, because she couldn't feel her legs, and she knew there was something wrong with her back, but just not what. and that's the scariest part about taking a hit like that I think, because at that moment you don't know if you've just paralysed yourself. and the only thing that must be going through your head is: not fucking worth it. And when we were all just staring at her waiting for the ambulance to come - helplessly and haplessly - I was thinking of junren, and of what I know of his condition - which is second hand and fragmented - and I just felt...shit. why do people even play sport?! But there are alot of reasons not to do alot of things, and I guess if we take into account every one of them, then no one would leave their houses (hang on - there ARE people like that). But still: although Cat's fine (not fine fine: she damaged a vertebrae, and she's gonna have to take a few weeks off and defer her mods to summer and everything, but fine as in a little bit more to the left and she would never have walked again), the whole thing was still shakening, I reckon.

All that on Valentine's day. which was fairly uneventful otherwise. Although I did get a mystery rose in my pidge. Well, mystery at the time, but not anymore, cos I did find out thanks to Chris' big mouth. (ok, i sent him to find out.) Unfortunately it was from who I thought it might be from, and it's a lot more serious on his part than I thought it was. 'It's flattering', dush said. yeah, but maybe for like 10 minutes. And after that I just felt abit shitty because I can't give tony what he wants, and the shit thing is that I've been on that side of unrequited love before and it's awful. and i feel bad that he has to feel bad, but there's no other way it's going to turn out really.

I sometimes get agitated when I feel that things are not moving forward (by my own weird definition), but alot of things have actually changed this term - subtly and in the background, but big changes nonetheless, when I actually think about it. work-wise is one: I feel like I'm pushing myself and being pushed academically, and I love the politics course and nick (my tutor) so much it's not even funny. (well, it's geeky. but hey - i'm at oxford for a reason, we're all like this here. seriously. heh) I just love that I rather stay up late thinking about my arguments and writing a good essay, instead of just shitting some shite piece of work out and getting more sleep. and the tutorials are amazing - I finally feel like I'm getting the oxford experience. and it helps that nick loves me too heh. well, i am embarassingly enthusiastic.

And another thing that has changed is the interpersonal relationships bit. I mean, the basics have stayed the same - I still have my girls, but with additions, like rachel harris who is so like me (beyond the name) it's creepy but amazing - but I'm just getting into properly (ok weird phrasing, but i think ya know what i mean) friendships with people i always knew on a superficial basis before. and it's just ... lovely to meet people who have good chats and whom you connect with. and more lovely to know that there are so many out there - because this time a term ago I was convinced that I already knew all the people I could get on with, and that was a slightly depressing thought.

and just forming new bonds, like with dush, the kind which surprise you with how instinctive the connection is, that there's this person who gets me, beyond the smalltalk persona that is presented to the public. And when I was talking about how I called my sister a week ago in the middle of the night in mini-crisis, and they asked, what was the crisis? and paul said "guys?", which is such a one-track-mind paul thing to say, and which also explains why we're not that close. and i was like, no. and dush said "monotony?". and i never even thought of it in that way, but that was exactly it - I just had never been able to express it so succinctly before. and the fact that he could tell - that he knew, because he didn't so much ask it as state it - made me just suddenly overwhelmed with love for him, his massive ears, the way he pronounces poor, the fact that he makes up shit to tell me like there are only 4 slovakian names, and i totally believe it, and how he's all unfriendly on the outside, but has a chewy chocolatey center. and that he randomly tells me things like "i like your personality". because -although when pushed he can only come up with "you're....not annoying" as an aspect he likes of said personality - it still warmed the cockles of my cold cold heart.


ahh. this has turned into one very long post. oh well. writing posts always helps me to gather my thoughts and determine what i think. it might seem weird but i always start out posts with no real aim or much idea of the structure - which is why they're usually very much longer than planned - but the paragraphs just come, and it's always surprising how lucid they are.

nick: i avoided the crescendo! i know you're proud.

Posted by chang! at 6:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

So I've decided to play rugby this term instead of rowing right..and vicki and I have been turning up for rugby training faithfully - hour long sessions which have proven to be half everyone standing around chatting, and half passing the ball around. even the learning to tackle bit was quite funny - with instructions like: kneel in front of her, cheek-to-(butt)cheek, apply pressure to the knees - how could it not be?

So it's all good fun for two weeks: we love the rugby girls - they're so sweet and fun and non-bitchy. Then our first match is scheduled, and we are told we're going to have to play because there aren't enough people. So we trundle along to the pitch early saturday morning, feeling quite trepidatious, but then thinking that it's going to be mostly fun like the way training has been. Then just as we're pulling on our cool maroon rugby socks, naomi reassures (!) as by saying "don't worry. the worst thing that ever happened was my dislocated shoulder".

fuck me. vicki and I look at each other with newfound doom, both thinking that our shared attachment to avoiding physical pain would soon be ripped from us kicking and screaming. then we see the other team - there are many manly looking girls with teeth and tufts of hair missing. sense of impending doom deepens.

And then the game actually starts. there's screaming. there's tackling. there's me flying backwards cradling the ball as a ginger-haired man tackles me mercilessly. it's 40 minutes of insanity. we're completely trashed of course - they score like 4 tries to our 1, and the ginger man gets me a couple more times. And towards the end of the second half, I literally feel like running off the pitch: I'm so tired, and so scared of the ginger man, and of tackling the opposition...because each time i go to do it, the thought of various forms of pain (and trust, many went through my mind) inhibited my full charge.

thinking about the game afterwards, and talking to dush (hardcore rugby man who's had a broken arm, dislocated fingers, black eye etc etc from the game) about it, it becomes obvious to me that on the pitch all I could remember thinking about was how to stay out of the way: don't get the ball in case the ginger man attacked; don't tackle anyone else in case they stepped on my face or something. and my inihibitions stopped me from making any sort of contribution in that game.

and in a sense, my self-preservation instinct on the field is very much like my self-preservation instinct in life...i never dare to do anything because i overthink the consequences. and as much as I like to think that I've adopted the alanis philsophy (you know: "i recommend biting off more than you can chew; getting your heart trampled on; you live you learn etc etc), I've never dared to just say fuck it and dive at the ball - all I can think about is how it might hurt later. And if all I do is worry about the risks, I'm never going to take the chances that might pay off.

It might seem very classic me to be able to overanalyse and extrapolate this kind of thing from a rugby game, but the truth is attitudes in the field are very characteristic of personalities in general. And being in a proper rugby game, and wanting to be a good player but knowing that there was something holding me back, just kind of brought home the fact that i've spent so much time being afraid of getting hurt, that i haven't noticed life passing me by.

That's a very asian thing isn't it, to care so much about face and being so full of inhibitions. Being here had only brought home just how liberating life can be when you just throw all caution to the wind. And so I'm gonna keep at rugby, although I know it can be dangerous. And I'm going now to knock on a door and take a chance. Because I might break an arm, or a heart -

but hey, what the hell.

Posted by chang! at 10:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

my father thinks that i seem to be having too much fun at oxford, and not studying at all. the truth is, it only seems that way, because i only write about the fun bits and post pics from like parties and stuff...why would I write about staying in the library till 1am (which i've just done), or staying up all night writing an essay on the US supreme court (which i'm about to do). truth is: there's alot of work, even more this term - and next week i'm looking at back to back philosophy and politics essays. Oh, and I am so not a slacker - I got a first for econs collections (!) (which are the back-to-school exams we had when term first started). (ok fine, it was a first by one mark, but it was still a first!) (and i did barely pass the philosophy collections, but i'm taking my victories where i can get them!)

and in defiance: here are some old pics of us sloshed and having fun. found these on facebook (which i have joined, yes, but only for the pictures!) there are loads of me floating around on other people's albums, and i figured i want to save them for the memories. i wish i had chinese new year pics to share, but stupid john accidentally deleted his. will try to get them off tim.
at rachel (harris') 20th birthday party. she's the one in the middle. we had a lovely dinner at browns, then drinks at clementines.

a very old one from the first freshers' bop! there we are all young and innocent. the theme was tennis hos and golf pros.

one from two weeks ago, at bar risa i think. we're all dressed up as schoolgirls cos if you're in costume you get champagne. which we did (and are holding up triumphantly!)

at filth, just before the drink-spiking hilarity.

and this one, which i know i've posted before. but this was another version georgie took, and i'm posting it because i look nice (read: thin). hah! now if only i could crop karl and his farmer shirt out....

ok, enough procrastinating...back to the rehnquist court!

Posted by chang! at 2:30 AM | Permalink | Comments