same old same old, but oh so different
things have been hectic the past week or so - a killer work-week with an two essays due in on consecutive days, followed by nick's visit, which was slightly dampened by me feeling the onset of a cold -which erupted into a proper shitty illness the day he left, and was followed by about 36 solid hours in bed with a couple of breaks in between. it's a good thing that the cold came when it did, just at the tailend of my two weeks of insane work, and at the beginning of my week of relative rest, which gave me the leeway to do the not-getting-out-of-bed thing which I think helped it go away alot quicker.
then before I knew it we're well into 5th week, which so far has seen way too much drama. first there was the rugby game against merton which was quite amazing! for me - rugby-wise. I just really got in there, which surprised even me really (despite all my rugby epiphany whinging). I guess it's not really that hard to play once you start - once you take the first tackle, or make your first. then it's just crazy mud-soaked, grunting, pile-up fun.
About 8 minutes to go though, Catherine took a really bad fall - i think she was at the bottom of a pile with her back in a weird position. And when everyone backed away, she was just screaming and yelling and it was fucking scary, because she couldn't feel her legs, and she knew there was something wrong with her back, but just not what. and that's the scariest part about taking a hit like that I think, because at that moment you don't know if you've just paralysed yourself. and the only thing that must be going through your head is: not fucking worth it. And when we were all just staring at her waiting for the ambulance to come - helplessly and haplessly - I was thinking of junren, and of what I know of his condition - which is second hand and fragmented - and I just felt...shit. why do people even play sport?! But there are alot of reasons not to do alot of things, and I guess if we take into account every one of them, then no one would leave their houses (hang on - there ARE people like that). But still: although Cat's fine (not fine fine: she damaged a vertebrae, and she's gonna have to take a few weeks off and defer her mods to summer and everything, but fine as in a little bit more to the left and she would never have walked again), the whole thing was still shakening, I reckon.
All that on Valentine's day. which was fairly uneventful otherwise. Although I did get a mystery rose in my pidge. Well, mystery at the time, but not anymore, cos I did find out thanks to Chris' big mouth. (ok, i sent him to find out.) Unfortunately it was from who I thought it might be from, and it's a lot more serious on his part than I thought it was. 'It's flattering', dush said. yeah, but maybe for like 10 minutes. And after that I just felt abit shitty because I can't give tony what he wants, and the shit thing is that I've been on that side of unrequited love before and it's awful. and i feel bad that he has to feel bad, but there's no other way it's going to turn out really.
I sometimes get agitated when I feel that things are not moving forward (by my own weird definition), but alot of things have actually changed this term - subtly and in the background, but big changes nonetheless, when I actually think about it. work-wise is one: I feel like I'm pushing myself and being pushed academically, and I love the politics course and nick (my tutor) so much it's not even funny. (well, it's geeky. but hey - i'm at oxford for a reason, we're all like this here. seriously. heh) I just love that I rather stay up late thinking about my arguments and writing a good essay, instead of just shitting some shite piece of work out and getting more sleep. and the tutorials are amazing - I finally feel like I'm getting the oxford experience. and it helps that nick loves me too heh. well, i am embarassingly enthusiastic.
And another thing that has changed is the interpersonal relationships bit. I mean, the basics have stayed the same - I still have my girls, but with additions, like rachel harris who is so like me (beyond the name) it's creepy but amazing - but I'm just getting into properly (ok weird phrasing, but i think ya know what i mean) friendships with people i always knew on a superficial basis before. and it's just ... lovely to meet people who have good chats and whom you connect with. and more lovely to know that there are so many out there - because this time a term ago I was convinced that I already knew all the people I could get on with, and that was a slightly depressing thought.
and just forming new bonds, like with dush, the kind which surprise you with how instinctive the connection is, that there's this person who gets me, beyond the smalltalk persona that is presented to the public. And when I was talking about how I called my sister a week ago in the middle of the night in mini-crisis, and they asked, what was the crisis? and paul said "guys?", which is such a one-track-mind paul thing to say, and which also explains why we're not that close. and i was like, no. and dush said "monotony?". and i never even thought of it in that way, but that was exactly it - I just had never been able to express it so succinctly before. and the fact that he could tell - that he knew, because he didn't so much ask it as state it - made me just suddenly overwhelmed with love for him, his massive ears, the way he pronounces poor, the fact that he makes up shit to tell me like there are only 4 slovakian names, and i totally believe it, and how he's all unfriendly on the outside, but has a chewy chocolatey center. and that he randomly tells me things like "i like your personality". because -although when pushed he can only come up with "you're....not annoying" as an aspect he likes of said personality - it still warmed the cockles of my cold cold heart.
ahh. this has turned into one very long post. oh well. writing posts always helps me to gather my thoughts and determine what i think. it might seem weird but i always start out posts with no real aim or much idea of the structure - which is why they're usually very much longer than planned - but the paragraphs just come, and it's always surprising how lucid they are.
nick: i avoided the crescendo! i know you're proud.
then before I knew it we're well into 5th week, which so far has seen way too much drama. first there was the rugby game against merton which was quite amazing! for me - rugby-wise. I just really got in there, which surprised even me really (despite all my rugby epiphany whinging). I guess it's not really that hard to play once you start - once you take the first tackle, or make your first. then it's just crazy mud-soaked, grunting, pile-up fun.
About 8 minutes to go though, Catherine took a really bad fall - i think she was at the bottom of a pile with her back in a weird position. And when everyone backed away, she was just screaming and yelling and it was fucking scary, because she couldn't feel her legs, and she knew there was something wrong with her back, but just not what. and that's the scariest part about taking a hit like that I think, because at that moment you don't know if you've just paralysed yourself. and the only thing that must be going through your head is: not fucking worth it. And when we were all just staring at her waiting for the ambulance to come - helplessly and haplessly - I was thinking of junren, and of what I know of his condition - which is second hand and fragmented - and I just felt...shit. why do people even play sport?! But there are alot of reasons not to do alot of things, and I guess if we take into account every one of them, then no one would leave their houses (hang on - there ARE people like that). But still: although Cat's fine (not fine fine: she damaged a vertebrae, and she's gonna have to take a few weeks off and defer her mods to summer and everything, but fine as in a little bit more to the left and she would never have walked again), the whole thing was still shakening, I reckon.
All that on Valentine's day. which was fairly uneventful otherwise. Although I did get a mystery rose in my pidge. Well, mystery at the time, but not anymore, cos I did find out thanks to Chris' big mouth. (ok, i sent him to find out.) Unfortunately it was from who I thought it might be from, and it's a lot more serious on his part than I thought it was. 'It's flattering', dush said. yeah, but maybe for like 10 minutes. And after that I just felt abit shitty because I can't give tony what he wants, and the shit thing is that I've been on that side of unrequited love before and it's awful. and i feel bad that he has to feel bad, but there's no other way it's going to turn out really.
I sometimes get agitated when I feel that things are not moving forward (by my own weird definition), but alot of things have actually changed this term - subtly and in the background, but big changes nonetheless, when I actually think about it. work-wise is one: I feel like I'm pushing myself and being pushed academically, and I love the politics course and nick (my tutor) so much it's not even funny. (well, it's geeky. but hey - i'm at oxford for a reason, we're all like this here. seriously. heh) I just love that I rather stay up late thinking about my arguments and writing a good essay, instead of just shitting some shite piece of work out and getting more sleep. and the tutorials are amazing - I finally feel like I'm getting the oxford experience. and it helps that nick loves me too heh. well, i am embarassingly enthusiastic.
And another thing that has changed is the interpersonal relationships bit. I mean, the basics have stayed the same - I still have my girls, but with additions, like rachel harris who is so like me (beyond the name) it's creepy but amazing - but I'm just getting into properly (ok weird phrasing, but i think ya know what i mean) friendships with people i always knew on a superficial basis before. and it's just ... lovely to meet people who have good chats and whom you connect with. and more lovely to know that there are so many out there - because this time a term ago I was convinced that I already knew all the people I could get on with, and that was a slightly depressing thought.
and just forming new bonds, like with dush, the kind which surprise you with how instinctive the connection is, that there's this person who gets me, beyond the smalltalk persona that is presented to the public. And when I was talking about how I called my sister a week ago in the middle of the night in mini-crisis, and they asked, what was the crisis? and paul said "guys?", which is such a one-track-mind paul thing to say, and which also explains why we're not that close. and i was like, no. and dush said "monotony?". and i never even thought of it in that way, but that was exactly it - I just had never been able to express it so succinctly before. and the fact that he could tell - that he knew, because he didn't so much ask it as state it - made me just suddenly overwhelmed with love for him, his massive ears, the way he pronounces poor, the fact that he makes up shit to tell me like there are only 4 slovakian names, and i totally believe it, and how he's all unfriendly on the outside, but has a chewy chocolatey center. and that he randomly tells me things like "i like your personality". because -although when pushed he can only come up with "you're....not annoying" as an aspect he likes of said personality - it still warmed the cockles of my cold cold heart.
ahh. this has turned into one very long post. oh well. writing posts always helps me to gather my thoughts and determine what i think. it might seem weird but i always start out posts with no real aim or much idea of the structure - which is why they're usually very much longer than planned - but the paragraphs just come, and it's always surprising how lucid they are.
nick: i avoided the crescendo! i know you're proud.
