falling into grace

I've been thinking of home alot more lately. it's weird, because of all the things I want to do - see my sister; get a First; go to rachel's beachhouse in cornwall with the girls; spend a week alone on a secluded greek island (and this list isn't a "I want to become the first female prime minister!" kind of list; i'm actually going to be doing all these things) - the one thing that's on my mind more than anything else is flying back to singapore. It's not even that I can say I want to go home. When I actually think about it, too many things freak me out: will people be different? will I wilt in the heat? will I talk with an accent? will things work out with us? - and then I feel entirely reconciled with the idea of staying here forever. But it's more like the thought of singapore won't leave me alone...i'm dreaming of it in weird settings, like the council room, with unexpected characters, like yingheng. and the images keep flitting through my mind as well. it's awkward - like a month after i left i couldn't even properly remember how my room looks like anymore, and now 8 months later, i can see it in my head as clearly as the day i left it: the pink handprints on the wall, the (embarassing confession alert) shane west and mandy moore poster next to the mirror, the shelf of trophies (ridiculous triumphs, like "3rd place in inter-class five-stone 1991 (!!!))

it's more like i feel so different - i know i'm so different - from the person that left almost a year ago, and it's gnawing away at me..if i'm still same enough for the people who knew the old me. it's ridiculous to think that old relationships will be different -i know they won't, of course - but the thought of seeing people face to face again is so surreal to me that i'm dreaming of it all the time. will i instinctively kiss people on the cheek and freak them out?

will it be like old times? or will i spend two minutes in their company and feel so fucking bored the way I felt the last months before the left last year? back then i couldn't wait to go...i felt like i was in limbo, living out the last few months before my life finally properly began. and now that it has...now that it's not just a mirage of uncertainty and excitement and it's my life, will i remember how to live back there?

the girls are all coming to singapore - it's part of their grand asian tour..we're doing malaysia and thailand as well. it's going to be wicked, i can't wait. But i think about introducing them to my friends or my family, and the thought of it makes my shudder a litte. i'm not ashamed of anyone, it's just that it's kind of like an ex-boyfriend to your present boyfriend, it's just going to be awkward - people won't get along, what would they talk about? even when my sister comes next week, i irrationally feel like insulating her from my brit friends, and hanging out with the singaporeans. it's sort of like i know she'll be uncomfortable, and i want to spare her from seeing this other side of me - ridiculously, because it's my life - only maybe because having my worlds collide will only hammer in to me the magnitude of the gulf - and the irreversibility of the change.

and maybe what scares me the most if that it'll all be unrecognisable. the girls were talking about asia yesterday, and making stupid "brits abroad" comments like "will there be pirates who might sell us into the white slave trade?!", and i rolled my eyes and said: "it's asia, not the 1800s"...and saying, if you guys are so terrified - and there's nothing to be terrified about - why not just do cornwall? and georgie looked at me in her wide-eyed way, and said "you don't understand, rachel,"

"it's like someone saying, 'we're going to mars', and all you can think is 'but what if i can't breath?'"

and for the eye-rolling and the mocking of the metaphor that followed - i understood, too well.

Posted by chang! on Friday, May 12, 2006 at 4:51 PM | Permalink