you sing a sad song just to turn it around
The past few days and the next few days will be filled with goodbyes. And almost like pets, goodbyes usually turn out to resemble the person taking flight -
lyn's goodbye: quiet, stoic - just like her. Not many words were spoken, nonetheless everyone there felt a certain wrenching bereavement in the air.
jen's goodbye: teary and very emotional. huge hoards of people turned up - the many many friends she had from always being so unjudgmentally understanding. This one pulled out all the stops: prayers, presents, waving at the glass and lots of tears.
aimee's goodbye (her farewell party): a social event befitting the most sociable teenager in the world - everyone eating alot, having fun. no tears, no undignified emotion..just lots of laughing and mahjong.
What will my farewell be like? half the world will be there, because I have the (mis)fortune of flying with everyone from HC and RJ going to oxbridge. This enrages me a little, because I know that in the pandemonium it will be harder for me to seek out the people I care about the most - harder to say a private goodbye without interruptions from irrelevant people.
But that's just like me isn't it - I want undiluted goodbyes the way I need absolute loyalty. It's a little ridiculous - only people like the clintons and the kennedys have this neurosis - but I cannot trust friends whom I know to have other, conflicting allegiances. I cannot respect that they are "in (someone else's) confidence", the way my nobler friend can bring herself to. How can you look me in the eye and lie to me? Or withhold something you know I should know? Maybe it's an extension of my "ready frankness", I just cannot forgive duplicity - especially from people I have taken into my confidence.
Or it's just megalomania.
But for all the little things recently that have made me kind of think: shit, I should have decided on georgetown, I'm thankful that at least at oxford I will have you: thanks for taking my plea to "protect me" so seriously, to the point of doing me bodily harm to avoid potential emotional trauma. Stubbed toe aside, that meant alot to me, and kind of made what would otherwise have been a painful experience, almost hilarious.
And after dreading the day for so long, I kind of felt relieved and jovial in its aftermath. I guess I just cared less than I thought I would. When the scene I had envisioned for so long finally played out, I could only think of how irrelevant these people are to me, and oh, how thankful I am for that. And that I wasn't alone, grinning and bearing it..your sympathetic glances alone were enough. And just while I feel constantly distressed that I'm losing my best friends through distance - geographical or emotional - I'm reminded that all is not lost.
The final bit of a long rambly post: I'll miss you terribly, jen.
lyn's goodbye: quiet, stoic - just like her. Not many words were spoken, nonetheless everyone there felt a certain wrenching bereavement in the air.
jen's goodbye: teary and very emotional. huge hoards of people turned up - the many many friends she had from always being so unjudgmentally understanding. This one pulled out all the stops: prayers, presents, waving at the glass and lots of tears.
aimee's goodbye (her farewell party): a social event befitting the most sociable teenager in the world - everyone eating alot, having fun. no tears, no undignified emotion..just lots of laughing and mahjong.
What will my farewell be like? half the world will be there, because I have the (mis)fortune of flying with everyone from HC and RJ going to oxbridge. This enrages me a little, because I know that in the pandemonium it will be harder for me to seek out the people I care about the most - harder to say a private goodbye without interruptions from irrelevant people.
But that's just like me isn't it - I want undiluted goodbyes the way I need absolute loyalty. It's a little ridiculous - only people like the clintons and the kennedys have this neurosis - but I cannot trust friends whom I know to have other, conflicting allegiances. I cannot respect that they are "in (someone else's) confidence", the way my nobler friend can bring herself to. How can you look me in the eye and lie to me? Or withhold something you know I should know? Maybe it's an extension of my "ready frankness", I just cannot forgive duplicity - especially from people I have taken into my confidence.
Or it's just megalomania.
But for all the little things recently that have made me kind of think: shit, I should have decided on georgetown, I'm thankful that at least at oxford I will have you: thanks for taking my plea to "protect me" so seriously, to the point of doing me bodily harm to avoid potential emotional trauma. Stubbed toe aside, that meant alot to me, and kind of made what would otherwise have been a painful experience, almost hilarious.
And after dreading the day for so long, I kind of felt relieved and jovial in its aftermath. I guess I just cared less than I thought I would. When the scene I had envisioned for so long finally played out, I could only think of how irrelevant these people are to me, and oh, how thankful I am for that. And that I wasn't alone, grinning and bearing it..your sympathetic glances alone were enough. And just while I feel constantly distressed that I'm losing my best friends through distance - geographical or emotional - I'm reminded that all is not lost.
The final bit of a long rambly post: I'll miss you terribly, jen.
