cleaning out my closet
Today I cleaned out my "memories" drawer, which is basically the drawer I dump all the things - cards, grad nite programme booklet, old diaries - I don't want to throw away into. I was going to put its entire contents neatly into a suitcase, not to bring over to oxford, but to store away.
Of course being the Great Procrastinator I am, I managed to re-read every note, christmas card, birthday card etc etc I've ever received, and it was, I must say, both shocking and fun.
There was that huge "Yay! You're ONE!" card that my class gave me for my J2 (18th) birthday, which everyone had signed. And I remember that day I was too busy pining and analysing one note that I forgot the rest of the gems my classmates left me - including "happy birthday, b*tch!" with a brackets indicating the * to be a (u) from amogh (how he thought i would appreciate butch more than bitch is beyond me), and "you should stay hip cool and funky like ME" from john, which are both hilarious in hindsight.
there was also the first birthday card amogh ever gave me in J1, which begins "shit! so much space how to fill!" and ends "you should bathe now and then". fast forward to the card he gave in J2. which ironically goes something like this "this card shall be heartfelt and honest..it's amazing when I think that slightly more than a year ago I didn't know who you were. * ok, this is where I fell asleep writing last night.". ah, good times.
then there's the first and only birthday card tzing ever gave me, which honestly made me laugh and feel so sad at the same time, because why did I throw away that friendship for 2 years? It also contains the sentence "I just don't want you to read this 10 years from now and go who? cheech who?" HAHA! (and the number of people I can already think of who will read this post and understand that reference and snigger to themselves and judge me for my youthful folly just reminds me that I NEED NEW FRIENDS)
there was also the stack of postcards with bible verses on them that my sister left for me - one everyday while I was doing my O levels; a card dated 20th december 1998 from aimee which says "maybe we can meet up next year if you're free in RGS!"; a poem from renji that rhymes, among other strokes of genius, "animals" and "RJgirls", and "take a break" with "oxbow lake"; a sec 3 card from yaxin with a giant picture of a bird with a POP-UP beak inside (this was a handmade card, people); and so many other notes that just made me feel like maybe I have had a good run these 19 years. that there have been good times and fun times, and people I will never forget or regret.
And those memories -those cards and notes and mementos - made me forget, just for a minute, that these 19 years had pain and tears and awful things too, and they make me hopeful - just so happy - because I feel for a moment that the years ahead can only contain more of such memories just waiting to be made. And that in another 20 years I will have another box to go through, and I just can't wait.
And for that half an hour this afternoon the anxiety of leaving - the anticipation of tears and more packing and having no friends and the winter cold and everything else - faded away, and I felt like it's been a great ride, and that it can only get better. That right now, at the end of an era and on the cusp of another, I am right where I'm meant to be.
And that was enough to keep me going.
Of course being the Great Procrastinator I am, I managed to re-read every note, christmas card, birthday card etc etc I've ever received, and it was, I must say, both shocking and fun.
There was that huge "Yay! You're ONE!" card that my class gave me for my J2 (18th) birthday, which everyone had signed. And I remember that day I was too busy pining and analysing one note that I forgot the rest of the gems my classmates left me - including "happy birthday, b*tch!" with a brackets indicating the * to be a (u) from amogh (how he thought i would appreciate butch more than bitch is beyond me), and "you should stay hip cool and funky like ME" from john, which are both hilarious in hindsight.
there was also the first birthday card amogh ever gave me in J1, which begins "shit! so much space how to fill!" and ends "you should bathe now and then". fast forward to the card he gave in J2. which ironically goes something like this "this card shall be heartfelt and honest..it's amazing when I think that slightly more than a year ago I didn't know who you were. * ok, this is where I fell asleep writing last night.". ah, good times.
then there's the first and only birthday card tzing ever gave me, which honestly made me laugh and feel so sad at the same time, because why did I throw away that friendship for 2 years? It also contains the sentence "I just don't want you to read this 10 years from now and go who? cheech who?" HAHA! (and the number of people I can already think of who will read this post and understand that reference and snigger to themselves and judge me for my youthful folly just reminds me that I NEED NEW FRIENDS)
there was also the stack of postcards with bible verses on them that my sister left for me - one everyday while I was doing my O levels; a card dated 20th december 1998 from aimee which says "maybe we can meet up next year if you're free in RGS!"; a poem from renji that rhymes, among other strokes of genius, "animals" and "RJgirls", and "take a break" with "oxbow lake"; a sec 3 card from yaxin with a giant picture of a bird with a POP-UP beak inside (this was a handmade card, people); and so many other notes that just made me feel like maybe I have had a good run these 19 years. that there have been good times and fun times, and people I will never forget or regret.
And those memories -those cards and notes and mementos - made me forget, just for a minute, that these 19 years had pain and tears and awful things too, and they make me hopeful - just so happy - because I feel for a moment that the years ahead can only contain more of such memories just waiting to be made. And that in another 20 years I will have another box to go through, and I just can't wait.
And for that half an hour this afternoon the anxiety of leaving - the anticipation of tears and more packing and having no friends and the winter cold and everything else - faded away, and I felt like it's been a great ride, and that it can only get better. That right now, at the end of an era and on the cusp of another, I am right where I'm meant to be.
And that was enough to keep me going.
