tick tock tick tock
"that's so soon! are you unbelievably excited?!" asks salman, in one of his typical salman-esque smses.
oddly enough, that sms was the first time it occurred to me that I SHOULD be unbelievably excited.
"do you miss aimee?", asked yaxin today, in her typical yaxin-esque offhand pretend-not-to-care-but-actually-she-misses-aimee-like-hell manner. It wasn't the first time it occurred to me that I should be missing Aimee, but it was the first time I realised how odd it seems to other people.
I guess I got over the whole missing people thing long ago. The last time I can think of that I really felt that within stomach wrench pining thing was during J1 promos, when my head was filled with equations and fantasies of requited love.
it's really not that i'm emotionless or anything, it's just that I don't think abt loss that often - almost like I don't care enough to say goodbye. I feel like I have the same conversations with almost everyone - the one exception was today with yingling and sara, getting steadily drunk and more honest - but otherwise it's the usual: my rote answer to whether i'm looking forward to it ("afraid i made the wrong choice, don't want to hang out only with singaporeans but scared i will be social pariah"), (and you know i'm not really afraid, don't really care, but you know: rote. give the other person something to chew on i guess, considerate conversationalist I am). The usual how's life questions...it's the same stories over and over. I think i must have discussed the whole "NUS mugger culture" thing or the "singaporeans only hang out with each other overseas" thing at least 5 times with different people.
it's like one of those CDs where every song pretty much sounds the same, so that if you listen to it without paying attention, it sort of blurs into one long 45 minute song. that's pretty much my life now anyhow. i'm bored as hell, and i'm sure it shows.
More than once I find myself distracted by something over a friend's shoulder - not even anything, just a spot to stare at. And then I longingly wish that I could stare at that spot the whole day, alone. But instead I need to wrench my eyes away just because it's really abit weird, that.
when was the last conversation I had that someone else was making me laugh, or even said something that interested me at all? I feel like I work so hard at these interactions - it's tiring as hell and not really all that fun. even talking to people like salman - so tiring to keep up. (if you read this hon, i love you and your ways! but the "heehee" sms that other day can be explained by this mood)
ok! enough angsting. also, rereading this post has made me realise that I am feeling indifferent at 19, and how arrogant that is. it's the divine apatheia - I feel above it all like the greek gods. maybe I need to turn into a bull and mount a mortal.
oddly enough, that sms was the first time it occurred to me that I SHOULD be unbelievably excited.
"do you miss aimee?", asked yaxin today, in her typical yaxin-esque offhand pretend-not-to-care-but-actually-she-misses-aimee-like-hell manner. It wasn't the first time it occurred to me that I should be missing Aimee, but it was the first time I realised how odd it seems to other people.
I guess I got over the whole missing people thing long ago. The last time I can think of that I really felt that within stomach wrench pining thing was during J1 promos, when my head was filled with equations and fantasies of requited love.
it's really not that i'm emotionless or anything, it's just that I don't think abt loss that often - almost like I don't care enough to say goodbye. I feel like I have the same conversations with almost everyone - the one exception was today with yingling and sara, getting steadily drunk and more honest - but otherwise it's the usual: my rote answer to whether i'm looking forward to it ("afraid i made the wrong choice, don't want to hang out only with singaporeans but scared i will be social pariah"), (and you know i'm not really afraid, don't really care, but you know: rote. give the other person something to chew on i guess, considerate conversationalist I am). The usual how's life questions...it's the same stories over and over. I think i must have discussed the whole "NUS mugger culture" thing or the "singaporeans only hang out with each other overseas" thing at least 5 times with different people.
it's like one of those CDs where every song pretty much sounds the same, so that if you listen to it without paying attention, it sort of blurs into one long 45 minute song. that's pretty much my life now anyhow. i'm bored as hell, and i'm sure it shows.
More than once I find myself distracted by something over a friend's shoulder - not even anything, just a spot to stare at. And then I longingly wish that I could stare at that spot the whole day, alone. But instead I need to wrench my eyes away just because it's really abit weird, that.
when was the last conversation I had that someone else was making me laugh, or even said something that interested me at all? I feel like I work so hard at these interactions - it's tiring as hell and not really all that fun. even talking to people like salman - so tiring to keep up. (if you read this hon, i love you and your ways! but the "heehee" sms that other day can be explained by this mood)
ok! enough angsting. also, rereading this post has made me realise that I am feeling indifferent at 19, and how arrogant that is. it's the divine apatheia - I feel above it all like the greek gods. maybe I need to turn into a bull and mount a mortal.
