falling into grace

i remember 3 years ago - omg has it been only 3 years? it feels an eternity past - writing in my cute little green dog diary the words: "you would think that i would be past this now. staring at my phone willing for it to ring..this is so pre-pubescent angst". you would think that now: 3 years gone in which so much has happened, that i would finally be past that staring-at-the-phone-willing-it-to-ring thing. but here i am. staring.

i also remember the painful few months after that entry...my heart breaking for the first time, and me thinking while it happened almost in slow-motion: is this what it feels like? that sweet sorrow that i've read so much about?

and after i mended i felt invincible for the longest time... i've survived my first heartbreak: it's all uphill from here. i've done it before; i'll be fine. but what they don't tell you - and what i wish i knew to expect - is that it really doesn't matter how many times you've been there, does it? because even at 20 - and hell, probably at bloody 35 as well - it's still going to feel like the first time..the pain is still as ridiculously sharp; the despair still come as easily.

the worst part is that your heart probably takes longer to patch itself up the older you get...because the pieces of sorrow it has harboured over the years never really disappear. and with each new sorrow the hole in your heart just gets bigger. and even though sorrow becomes more familiar over the years, the stinging edge never blunts.

"it is such a secret place, the land of tears."

Posted by chang! on Sunday, July 16, 2006 at 10:45 AM | Permalink