birthday blues
with my birthday around the corner (yes people! i expect emails at least! heh), for some reason I keep getting flashbacks from birthdays past:
17th: just started J1 - had lots of new friends who loved me alot (this was before we got to know each other properly you see), and had a nice present-filled day at school. can't remember most of it, but i remember that it was brilliant. and that birthday yielded easily the best presents - (isn't it very me to remember the presents and nothing else)
18th: in the throes of heartbreak, feeling shitty and lonely - hoping for some kind of signal, but of course met with apathy - which characterises that whole period really. I only remember feeling so tired. Lunch with the girls, tea with ex-classmates, dinner with family - All the while kind of wishing I was far far away. I remember trying to talk about this with vania on a bus - I even remember the seats we were sitting in - and trying to explain why the feck I just felt such intense unhappiness, and why I felt so randomly dissatisfied. The one thing that saved the day - amogh's burnt CD, which miraculously had all the songs that meant something to us: songs we both loved, songs we had talked about and made fun of, songs that he knew I loved, songs that reminded us of the things we had gone through together. Thinking about it now I just can't believe he remembered every one of them. I couldn't even remember most of them: but with the opening strains of each track, memories flooded back, and made me cry. and then once i started i couldn't stop, because i was miserable - god that day was shit.
19th: brilliant birthday weekend extravaganza, with the wonderful surprise party. I can safely say that I didn't see it coming at all - despite aimee's and yaxin's ridiculous-in-hindsight "let's go to yaxin's house and stop over at aimee's church friend's house which we must go up to because she needs to teach aimee how to do the account for church tomorrow!" cover story. I really had no idea, and the whole time, I was just a little anxious because azi wasn't ringing me, and I, for some reason, though maybe that dinner was cancelled. but instead it was like 20 of my nearest and dearest, complete with vegetarian food and tiramisu cake. And to think that that entire week I was being so petty and shitty with amogh, and he was planning all that for me - it makes me sad that when he was around I took him so for granted, and now that he's not, I just wish I could tell him how much I love him. But we don't say such things anyway, and he never responds well to my periodic sappiness (he's no zhuang hah!), so I can only hope he knows how weird it is to not have him around - that after so long, I'm still not used to it, and I doubt I'll ever be
I keep thinking about last year's birthday - from "it's....a pogo stick!" to my doraemon cake (my mother never bought me doraemon cakes when i was at the age to appreciate it. but once I hit maturity: bam! doraemon cakes left and right) -I was so happy and contented. Sometimes I forget that I was happy in singapore too - I keep on thinking about the last few months when I was just bored out of my mind and waiting to leave, and the way I'm going to have to go back to serve my bond etc etc - I forget that only 5 months ago my life was there, and it was effortlessly wonderful.
20th: well, we're all going out for dinner, but I know it'll be weird, my first birthday away from home, despite eveyrone's assurances that they'll make it better - from tim's random (and entirely spurious) claim to have "planned so many things for monday!", to phoebe's multiple (!) "OH we can get [insert name] to chip in too!" while everyone else gives her death glares, because I am just there. Still - it'll be hard.
In the spirit of this whole nostalgia thing I'm doing: some old pictures. (although to be honest, while looking through them my thoughts went from "ohh i miss everyone!' to "oh, i used to be so much less fat!!" quite speedily.) still:
people I miss very much:
17th: just started J1 - had lots of new friends who loved me alot (this was before we got to know each other properly you see), and had a nice present-filled day at school. can't remember most of it, but i remember that it was brilliant. and that birthday yielded easily the best presents - (isn't it very me to remember the presents and nothing else)
18th: in the throes of heartbreak, feeling shitty and lonely - hoping for some kind of signal, but of course met with apathy - which characterises that whole period really. I only remember feeling so tired. Lunch with the girls, tea with ex-classmates, dinner with family - All the while kind of wishing I was far far away. I remember trying to talk about this with vania on a bus - I even remember the seats we were sitting in - and trying to explain why the feck I just felt such intense unhappiness, and why I felt so randomly dissatisfied. The one thing that saved the day - amogh's burnt CD, which miraculously had all the songs that meant something to us: songs we both loved, songs we had talked about and made fun of, songs that he knew I loved, songs that reminded us of the things we had gone through together. Thinking about it now I just can't believe he remembered every one of them. I couldn't even remember most of them: but with the opening strains of each track, memories flooded back, and made me cry. and then once i started i couldn't stop, because i was miserable - god that day was shit.
19th: brilliant birthday weekend extravaganza, with the wonderful surprise party. I can safely say that I didn't see it coming at all - despite aimee's and yaxin's ridiculous-in-hindsight "let's go to yaxin's house and stop over at aimee's church friend's house which we must go up to because she needs to teach aimee how to do the account for church tomorrow!" cover story. I really had no idea, and the whole time, I was just a little anxious because azi wasn't ringing me, and I, for some reason, though maybe that dinner was cancelled. but instead it was like 20 of my nearest and dearest, complete with vegetarian food and tiramisu cake. And to think that that entire week I was being so petty and shitty with amogh, and he was planning all that for me - it makes me sad that when he was around I took him so for granted, and now that he's not, I just wish I could tell him how much I love him. But we don't say such things anyway, and he never responds well to my periodic sappiness (he's no zhuang hah!), so I can only hope he knows how weird it is to not have him around - that after so long, I'm still not used to it, and I doubt I'll ever be
I keep thinking about last year's birthday - from "it's....a pogo stick!" to my doraemon cake (my mother never bought me doraemon cakes when i was at the age to appreciate it. but once I hit maturity: bam! doraemon cakes left and right) -I was so happy and contented. Sometimes I forget that I was happy in singapore too - I keep on thinking about the last few months when I was just bored out of my mind and waiting to leave, and the way I'm going to have to go back to serve my bond etc etc - I forget that only 5 months ago my life was there, and it was effortlessly wonderful.
20th: well, we're all going out for dinner, but I know it'll be weird, my first birthday away from home, despite eveyrone's assurances that they'll make it better - from tim's random (and entirely spurious) claim to have "planned so many things for monday!", to phoebe's multiple (!) "OH we can get [insert name] to chip in too!" while everyone else gives her death glares, because I am just there. Still - it'll be hard.
In the spirit of this whole nostalgia thing I'm doing: some old pictures. (although to be honest, while looking through them my thoughts went from "ohh i miss everyone!' to "oh, i used to be so much less fat!!" quite speedily.) still:
people I miss very much:
seeing u in ur waddle tshirt and rgps shorts to be honest i'm really quite looking forward to u coming back. life here is really kinda quiet and boring without u. so pls don't do any holidaying aft ur exams and come home quick...
Posted by
R |
2:25 AM
i loved this entry very much. // even though i didn't know you, it made me feel. each picture tells a story on its own. (: happy birthday, rachel -
Posted by
zhuang |
4:12 PM