it's a long way from home
wow, has it only been 2 weeks? It feels like a year has flown by...so many things have happened in so little time, so many things have changed that I can hardly remember what it feels like to not live in this room, to not use that broken shower, to not walk down high or cornmarket street with the wind blowing in my face. I can't even remember ever living in a place that i could leave the house without bringing a jacket - really, a place that wearing a tank top still made you sweat - a place that would charge me 15 bucks - that's 5 quid now - for a drink.
I'm so bad at keeping in touch because I'm just too tired to tell people about what's going on in my life. It's like the little free time I have, I KNOW I should be studying, or just hanging out, or doing laundry. It's like the list of things I need to do is a huge pile, and the free time I have is a tiny little bit (and I'm not like Aimee who can survive on 4 hours of sleep a night) and to have the prospect of spending money to try to paint a (futile, really) picture of a place to people who cannot possibly understand, or to hear news from a place that feels almost like another planet, is just too tiring.
Understand that it's only because I am the way I am, and things right now are the way they are, and not that I don't miss home incredibly, or wish that I was back there (or more accurately, that everyone is here with me).
I don't want to be one of those blogs that sugarcoat everything with nice pictures, and are just so phoney; neither do I want to be one of those angsty blogs. I just want to be honest, and the truth is that sometimes I wish that I never left singapore, but other times I can't believe that I survived there for so long.
There are times when it is hard - and every singaporean fresher here will have felt it - to adjust to a habitat that isn't your natural one. People can't understand what you're saying; they talk about things that are not in your frame of reference; you don't make them laugh; they don't interest you. It's all abit harsh sometimes really. And the worst part is really feeling so uncomfortable and small sometimes, feeling just really intimidated - which is fucking weird, because I used to be the intimidating one, y'know? And it's weird when you are surrounded by a population that is so reserved - when sobre - that you almost feel crass and American sometimes. And it's hard to make friends all over again. Because the thing is, that people here don't really make friends - they just make conversation. And coming from a place where everyone I knew I've known for ages, there's always a mutual understanding that is effortless for the most part..that's the most shocking bit really.
And the work - it's HARD. The econs is absolutely fucking killing me, and so is the philosophy. And it's worse when you're surrounded by people who seriously get drunk every night, but still have already done their general philosophy essay and all their econs reading, and who are bloody first team rugby players besides. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! i told my sister that oxford kids are just impressive - they party hard and study hard, and it's just a really a superior and capable form of existence (it reminds you that you're in oxford, really) but to be honest it really takes some getting used to.
Ok, but there's the good too. I love that everyone here is what I've described above -there's no one here that I feel justified in feeling smarter than - which is honestly a first. (haha!) I love that it's so laidback here..that it's so easy for me to go out, or go to a party or have a drink...and to be honest it's all very fun when we're all a bit drunk (the truth is the brits are only fun when smashed), and I guess i'm lucky because I am one of the only singaporeans who enjoys a bit of a party too, so it's easier for me, I think, comparatively.
And also there are things to be thankful for - I've made some solid friendships (unlike other people (yes, even the brits) whom I can see are still floundering) - I've not done anything I regret; there seems to be infinite possibility in my future.
And i think that just because things are different here from in singapore doesn't mean I should hate it..it's like when I used to bitch to my sister about people calling me fat (which no one does here - another reason to love it hah!), she would be all, why are u so upset about it? you should just accept what they think and try to improve. nonsensical advice at the time really, but makes alot of sense now. Because I can see that alot of the singaporeans ( and it's happening in the fresher year too), just kind of withdrew into the singaporean gang in order to artificially create a mini-singapore here, so things could stay the same for them, because the change was so harsh at first.
But really I think that this will change me - for the better? depends on in whose opinion really. But I think that I am here for a reason - that there is no point wondering what would have been like going to the states, or staying in singapore (actually I don't wonder about the latter. that remains a fate worse than hell for me, really) - and that after a while that reason will become apparent to me. So until then I should have fun when I am and just sleep off the moments that homesickness and despair threaten to overwhelm. Because someone - who used to be very special to me - once told me to "just take things as they come" - and he was right. Because my greatest flaw I know is my anxiousness...is this happening the way it should be? should I be doing something different? what will things be like 2 months from now?...and it was the anxiousness that drove him away, really. I'm not going to let it ruin this for me.
So if anyone has managed to read this far, I'm sorry this was such an unfocused post. But I kind of just wanted to touch base with people back home who read this - I'm sorry I'm so bad at keeping in touch (it means nothing in terms of how much I value the friendship yeah?) And to let everyone know that I'm adjusting fine...and to let other people who are here (oumssa! i know you bastards are lurking. don't mug so hard zhuang!), or anywhere else really, know that although I don't show it much, I have bad days too, but as the days go by I feel more sure that (in the hallowed words of mcfly) I'll - we'll - be okay.
I'm so bad at keeping in touch because I'm just too tired to tell people about what's going on in my life. It's like the little free time I have, I KNOW I should be studying, or just hanging out, or doing laundry. It's like the list of things I need to do is a huge pile, and the free time I have is a tiny little bit (and I'm not like Aimee who can survive on 4 hours of sleep a night) and to have the prospect of spending money to try to paint a (futile, really) picture of a place to people who cannot possibly understand, or to hear news from a place that feels almost like another planet, is just too tiring.
Understand that it's only because I am the way I am, and things right now are the way they are, and not that I don't miss home incredibly, or wish that I was back there (or more accurately, that everyone is here with me).
I don't want to be one of those blogs that sugarcoat everything with nice pictures, and are just so phoney; neither do I want to be one of those angsty blogs. I just want to be honest, and the truth is that sometimes I wish that I never left singapore, but other times I can't believe that I survived there for so long.
There are times when it is hard - and every singaporean fresher here will have felt it - to adjust to a habitat that isn't your natural one. People can't understand what you're saying; they talk about things that are not in your frame of reference; you don't make them laugh; they don't interest you. It's all abit harsh sometimes really. And the worst part is really feeling so uncomfortable and small sometimes, feeling just really intimidated - which is fucking weird, because I used to be the intimidating one, y'know? And it's weird when you are surrounded by a population that is so reserved - when sobre - that you almost feel crass and American sometimes. And it's hard to make friends all over again. Because the thing is, that people here don't really make friends - they just make conversation. And coming from a place where everyone I knew I've known for ages, there's always a mutual understanding that is effortless for the most part..that's the most shocking bit really.
And the work - it's HARD. The econs is absolutely fucking killing me, and so is the philosophy. And it's worse when you're surrounded by people who seriously get drunk every night, but still have already done their general philosophy essay and all their econs reading, and who are bloody first team rugby players besides. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! i told my sister that oxford kids are just impressive - they party hard and study hard, and it's just a really a superior and capable form of existence (it reminds you that you're in oxford, really) but to be honest it really takes some getting used to.
Ok, but there's the good too. I love that everyone here is what I've described above -there's no one here that I feel justified in feeling smarter than - which is honestly a first. (haha!) I love that it's so laidback here..that it's so easy for me to go out, or go to a party or have a drink...and to be honest it's all very fun when we're all a bit drunk (the truth is the brits are only fun when smashed), and I guess i'm lucky because I am one of the only singaporeans who enjoys a bit of a party too, so it's easier for me, I think, comparatively.
And also there are things to be thankful for - I've made some solid friendships (unlike other people (yes, even the brits) whom I can see are still floundering) - I've not done anything I regret; there seems to be infinite possibility in my future.
And i think that just because things are different here from in singapore doesn't mean I should hate it..it's like when I used to bitch to my sister about people calling me fat (which no one does here - another reason to love it hah!), she would be all, why are u so upset about it? you should just accept what they think and try to improve. nonsensical advice at the time really, but makes alot of sense now. Because I can see that alot of the singaporeans ( and it's happening in the fresher year too), just kind of withdrew into the singaporean gang in order to artificially create a mini-singapore here, so things could stay the same for them, because the change was so harsh at first.
But really I think that this will change me - for the better? depends on in whose opinion really. But I think that I am here for a reason - that there is no point wondering what would have been like going to the states, or staying in singapore (actually I don't wonder about the latter. that remains a fate worse than hell for me, really) - and that after a while that reason will become apparent to me. So until then I should have fun when I am and just sleep off the moments that homesickness and despair threaten to overwhelm. Because someone - who used to be very special to me - once told me to "just take things as they come" - and he was right. Because my greatest flaw I know is my anxiousness...is this happening the way it should be? should I be doing something different? what will things be like 2 months from now?...and it was the anxiousness that drove him away, really. I'm not going to let it ruin this for me.
So if anyone has managed to read this far, I'm sorry this was such an unfocused post. But I kind of just wanted to touch base with people back home who read this - I'm sorry I'm so bad at keeping in touch (it means nothing in terms of how much I value the friendship yeah?) And to let everyone know that I'm adjusting fine...and to let other people who are here (oumssa! i know you bastards are lurking. don't mug so hard zhuang!), or anywhere else really, know that although I don't show it much, I have bad days too, but as the days go by I feel more sure that (in the hallowed words of mcfly) I'll - we'll - be okay.
